he sits at the edge of my universe

laughing

at my furrowed brow

at the tallied wrists

i never knew i was counting all the years i didn’t know

at my body—she remembers

what my infantile mind was not yet ready to hold

he’s always been there, i’ve realized

feet dangling over the sides of my sanity

in bemusement

at my small hands that yearned to touch,

to be touched

in a trance

always, in a trance

he has been sitting cross-legged on my chest

since my earliest memory

i drive, drive, drive

never fast enough to yank him from my blind spot

different doctors call it different things

they tell me to breathe better or medicate more

he shakes his head with a smirk

“but – but what if i never find him?” i ask her

what if he rests his head beside me every night,

wishing me sweet dreams while paralyzing me

until i wake?

what if he leaves no trace in the morning,

except the sweat on my pillow and the darkness under my eyes,

forever?

what if all i can ever know, is knowing that he is there?

i leave it to her to decide—she remembers

– c.l.

august 2024

by china from new jersey/new york, USA